Done Rushing.

Can you believe in this day and age we take iPhones on hikes?

Picnic Buddies!

Super amazing waterfall!

Seattle!

Me and my brotha!

I cannot believe that my summer here in the Pacific Northwest is almost over! I have traipsed all around from state to state, built great relationships, laughed a lot, seen amazing things that God has created and have loved almost every minute of it.

Home, however, beckons.

There is something to be said about a lifestyle that looks like it’s almost always on vacation. Coming and going is idolized for some people, especially people my age. This thought of vagabond freedom, or not being tied down to anything. The reality though is that packing endless bags, even if it seems glamorous, can be tiring. The last few years have taught me that. For the most part I have LOVED that lifestyle, don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret it, I have been thankful for it and wouldn’t trade it in, but the constant going, the constant rushing and pushing has worn me down.

Out here I have had a lot of time to think and ponder my life. For the last few years it seems I have had this list in the back of my mind. A list of all the things I want to do, finish, experience before I move on to the next stage of my life, whatever that may be. So it has propelled me forward and been a haunting thought, almost becoming  a barrier to progress at some times because I feel I can't move on until the list gets accomplished. I think there may have even been a little thought that if the list doesn’t get done I will not lead as satisfied of a life as I wanted. The list brought a thought that says, “Don’t ever sit for too long or you may never move again. Keep going, check the next thing off.”

So I did. I never sat for too long.

But what if now I kind of want to start sitting for longer maybe?
What if I think I am done with the rushing?

Can I tell you the thought scares me? I say “kind of” and “maybe” and “I think” because I am not still totally sure I want to give it up yet. “Calm” brings fear. What do I do with myself in those days? How do I deal with THOSE emotions? I know what to do about exhaustion and annoyance and heavy suitcases, but what about days of routine? When the routine isn’t “Pack a bag, pack a bag, pack a bag” but more something like “Get up, work, see people, repeat for months without packing a bag”?

Now that’s new territory.

And honestly, even when I go home I still think life will look quite a bit like “pack a bag, pack a bag, pack a bag.” But what if I look different? What if, rather than rushing forward because of a fear that XYZ won’t get done ever if I don’t get it done now, I can now go here and there, just without the rushing? What if I stop seeing that list as a means to some kind of satisfaction, or just destroy the list completely? Pay it no mind? What if I don’t treat it as a “satisfaction vs. regret” situation but rather an “I have already completed the list. These things are just extras. I can take them or leave them. No haunting fear anymore. I don’t need to rush to ‘extras.’”

I haven’t finished tackling all of this in my head yet. Clearly. And I am sure none of you care what in the world is or is not being tackled in my head.

I guess I am just glad to tell you that this summer my heart got put into some kind of peace. To have this overwhelming desire to rush be slowly removed is scary, yes, but is also becoming more and more welcomed.
Peace is a good thing. Rushing to something other than Him will wear you down. Trust me. I’ve done it.

Isn’t it funny that he already told us that? Jesus says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives….” (John 14:27). He already told me that his peace looks different. I have lived the life the world says will bring the fulfillment of the list---checking it all off. But I got to the end of my list and was kind of like, “Yeah. So what?” As a friend of mine would say who was on one of those reality shows, “So you saw me on TV? Big deal!” If Jesus has moved on from using something in my life, then that something needs to go, too. Because it doesn’t mean anything anymore. If he is no longer in it, my satisfaction will no longer be found in it.

And I still want him. Wherever that is, either in the middle of a list or at the completed end.