Universal.

The Pacific Northwest is to blame. If it had not been for me spending an entire summer out there I would never be having the issues I am having right now.

What in the world am I talking about, you wonder?

An identity crisis. That’s right. I think I am in the middle of one. I look in the mirror and go, “Who in the world are you?”

Let me just say this before I really dive in: Yes, I understand that I should have had this revelation more than a decade ago.

It all started, as I said, last summer out west. For whatever reason, the company I kept while out there was—adventurous. And maybe the better word is dumb, because sometimes I was thinking to myself that what they were doing was not wise.

See, they all had this fascination with jumping off stuff. Big stuff. Cliffs, bridges, boulders. And jumping into water. Water which they probably hadn’t personally tested, they had just been told that said cliff was safe to jump off. So they did.

Now, I have told you all about my big jumps before, so as I like to say, all of the hijinks of last summer were “Not my first rodeo,” yet, there was this feeling that came over me unlike any other I had really ever had.

I think we shall call it FEAR. To a certain extent. But then not.

After a jump in Switzerland.

Let me back up. At one point last summer a group of us were in Utah…at a lake…with cliffs and boulders again, so what were we doing?. Jumping off them, naturally. Well, some of us were.

After a jump, no doubt.

There was this one girl, maybe 14 years old, who was terrified. She kept standing at the edge of this boulder, probably only 20 feet above the water, ready to take the plunge, then not ready. Ready, then not ready. For probably a half hour.
Our group, being very supportive, kept encouraging her, “Come on! You’ll love it!” “It’s not that high!” “You standing there is scarier than you jumping!” I am sure I was saying similar things…after all…I have done the big jumps before; I know what it’s like! But at one point, in rebuttal to a “You will feel so awesome about yourself after you do this!” a boy, an honest boy of 17 said, “No. You won’t feel any greater satisfaction about your life after you do this.”

I died laughing at his dry sense of humor.

Yet, for the first time in my life I realized that what he said was, about me, true.

Wait. What?! Did I not find adrenaline rushes due to falling from great heights really a boost to my satisfaction in life?!?!

Some of you might be confused at this point. So was I.

Here is the deal: Never before in my entire life had I ever thought that there might be an activity that I didn’t particularly gain personal satisfaction from doing. That I didn’t like more than another.

Like jumping off cliffs.
Or bridges.
Or boulders.

Oh sure, there were some activities I knew I preferred, but…no. Never that there were some I simply did not like at all. Because up until that point I—get this—literally thought that I was interested in, game for, or fond of—anything. Everything, actually.

I thought I pretty well liked all activities. Thought there was nothing I would say, “No thanks, I don’t get any great satisfaction about my life by doing that. I’ll pass.”

Ha. Go ahead. Have a good laugh. I have had enough good cries about it, so it would be refreshing to have at least one of us laughing at me.

: )

Yep. That’s right. I told you I should have had this revelation decades ago. Like at the age of 4 when I was realizing that I hate socks that slouch down around my ankles. That would have been a good time to understand this fact.

But alas. No. This was slotted for me to come when I was well into adulthood apparently.

How could I have possibly lived my life like this?! Trust me, it was not for lack of experiences. No. I have had every experience, my friends say. Was it a denial? Was it a lack of evaluative thought?

I have no idea.
I just know that I thought I liked everything.

Oh. And there is one more thing I failed to mention.

As I was standing on that boulder (I made that jump, btw. No big deal {but also no big satisfaction—aha!}), I was beginning to feel an anxiousness. A “What if something goes wrong on this jump?” kind of thought. Then, a few weeks later I felt this in full force as I watched my brother and some of his friends jumping off this ridiculous bridge. “Do you want to jump, B?” they asked. “No,” was my instant reply. It would seem, Wolfies, that I was terrified.

Which is obnoxious. I don’t get scared!

Or do I?

This thought had also never crossed my mind before.

This is when the agony of my identity crisis really started. “Am I----could it be true----no. Wait? Am I—not—FEARLESS?”

But I thought I was fearless.

I have travelled the world by myself for YEARS, never once afraid (well there was that one time in Rome when I thought I was being kidnapped, but that’s another story for another time), never once thinking I couldn’t do what needed to be done, talk or run my way out of any situation, etc etc etc.

I was fearless. Or so I had always thought. Because, well, much like how I always thought I like to do everything, here is the kicker: I also thought I WAS everything.

Yes. I admit. I thought I possessed every desirable character trait (I had never much desired to be sweet or mild mannered, so it didn’t bother me that I wasn’t those : ) ).  Smart, resourceful, funny, adventurous, creative. I figured the list went on forever. I thought I liked everything, was good at everything, WAS everything. In short, I thought I was The Universal Woman. Appealed to every—thing. Everyone.

But now I was having serious doubts. If I am not fearless—which I always thought I was—were there other things I might in fact NOT be?
Surely not, I thought.

I have come to find out, though, that surely YES is the more correct answer.

I was talking to my friend about this and she said, “But B! That’s ridiculous! You are the most fearless person I have ever met!” to which, at that point I truthfully had to admit, “No, I am only fearless about the things I am not afraid of…” I was coming to find out even that was not an endless range. There were in fact things I was afraid of. There were in fact desirable character traits that I did not possess.
My mind was blown.
There were things that I did not like to do. There were things that I was not.

What a shock to my system. I wish I was kidding. This winter I think I walked around in a cloud for about 4 months wondering for the life of me, “Well, if I am not The Universal Woman, who in the world am I, and how does this woman live?”

The funny thing is that nothing about me actually changed. I didn’t lose any talents, abilities, experiences, or crazy curly hair {praise the Lord for that!}. My perception was the only thing that changed, which come to find out, is all there really is to life. How you perceive things becomes your reality, whether it is true or not.

In all of my wrestling with God about this, I have come to the conclusion that there can only be one good reason for this to be true: He apparently doesn't need me to be The Universal Woman. What else could the answer be!? If he needed me to be everything, he would have made me to be everything.

Don’t be alarmed. Jesus is helping me figure it out. God is good. Universal Woman or not, Jesus still freed me from my sin, so that’s great! Ha. And he has been really good to bring situations and experiences into my path to start illuminating who I might be—and who I most certainly am not (a list, which, I hate to admit, seems get longer by the day).

Anywho. In spite of my ill-feelings about this, there is one thing I have come to accept: God does not make mistakes, he makes just what he wants. And if how he has made me (and is constantly making me) is how he wants me, then I need to REALLY be whatever it is he created me to be. Since I am not everything, I feel as if it is my overwhelming responsibility to be wholeheartedly whatever it is I am. None of this in-the-middle-of-the-road kind of stuff. No, if there is something God has left in tact post-salvation, I am going to assume he needs me to REALLY play that role in his kingdom.

So I will.
With REALLY big curly hair and all.