Initials.

I am home.
Those are some good words.

My trip was delightful.  Saw Budapest for a few days, saw Northern Ireland for a few days. Met some people, had some conversations I will never forget. Conversations that will help make me who I am; who I will be.

God’s timing is different than ours.

My friend, Wren (who came on the trip with me), and myself had a little lesson in being delayed on our way to Europe. We were at our gate, all ready to go, one hour before take-off, when the flight screen starts blinking the word “CANCELLED.”

Cancelled?

Didn’t they mean “delayed”? Or were they actually, like it appeared they were doing, trying to tell me that I had to make all new plans? That I had to get on the phone? That I had to make things right? That they were dropping us?

They were.

So I got on the phone.
After three and a half hours talking with customer service, being told we were going to get on three different flights that same night only to re-check bags and get to the gate and see that it too was also cancelled, or delayed, or delayed too much to miss another connecting flight, we decided that we would take what was being dealt: We were going to have to wait. Stop pushing, stop forcing something that was not to be, and wait.

27 hours.

We finally flew out of the airport 27 hours after we had thought we would have. After I was convinced we should have.

What a humbling experience.

I get prepared for all of these trips I take and do the right things and pack only what I need and have all of my ducks in a row. I have tickets bought on time and agendas lined up for when we get there. I am a responsible adult.

But then something like this happens.
The control gets taken out of my hands.
Or maybe it just shows me that it never was in my hands to begin with.

It is a powerless feeling, which I suppose is God’s plan, too, considering that I DON’T have any power.

I found myself faced with my own selfishness, too. The airport was jammed. I mean, JAMMED. As in NOBODY was flying out that night or even remotely on time. Every line to every counter at every gate had at least 30 people in it. There were no seats in the terminals left to be had. Nobody was getting home that night, or getting to where they wanted to be, or seeing who they needed to go see.

But I wanted to. I wanted to bad. I was pushing for it.

I wanted to budge to the front of every line.
"Don’t you know who I am??!!” I wanted to say to them. “Don’t you know that I have to be in Budapest tomorrow?!” “I need to get MY bag off that airplane and I don’t care if you have to stall this flight!” “Me getting out of here is more important than you getting out of here!” “I have better things to do than you do!”

Isn’t that terrible?

Of course I didn’t say any of those things. I was just appalled that they crossed my mind.

After all, who in the world DO I think I am? And doesn’t EVERYBODY want to go home? Doesn’t everybody, figuratively speaking, have to be in Budapest tomorrow?

Needless to say, having it be so apparent that my potentially-lost-luggage wasn’t any more important than anyone else’s what a needed shock to the system. To be forced to say, “Ok God, I guess you have a better plan. I guess I don’t need to be in Budapest tomorrow.”

And he did.

Because he always does.

Things happened abroad for the people I was meeting and things happened here in the States that I needed to be a part of---AND WOULDN’T HAVE---if I had “gotten myself to Budapest” on time.

Lord, teach my heart to recognize that “delays” to me are actually you preparing something else. An element I don’t see yet, a better story, a stronger faith, a lesson in humility, a grace to be received. Your timing is perfect, and almost always later than expected.

~~~

One thing I wouldn’t have seen if I had gotten out on time, is this guy:

Isn’t that so funny?

Wren and I were in security and a guard comes over to us. “Hey, do you see the back of that guy over there? Doesn’t he look like a Baldwin?”
“Oh you’re right!” we say, “He does look like a Baldwin!”
“No, no, no. He IS a Baldwin.”
We Googled the Baldwins. We think he is Stephan.

Later as we were sitting in our gate we laughed when we saw him just across the way getting on a flight.

I do not usually get excited about celebrity sightings, but for some reason I thought this one was fun. A cute little perk for us after our "arduous" delays.
And this is what we imagined our faces looked like upon seeing him.

Maybe it wasn't that extreme....

Budapest is lovely.

 Opera.House.

The prettiest Jewish synogogue I have ever been in. Also the first Jewish synogogue I have ever been in.

With my aunt who lives in Budapest!

And exceptionally magical at night.

The Castle District.

Parliament.

Anyway, I think I will have a lot to tell you. I am just slightly jet-lagged at this current moment.
So this post will have to suffice.
Goodnight, world. I have seen a much of you. Thank you, Jesus.

The almost way home.

Hello wolfies from Northern Ireland!
I know, I didn't make you guess this time. So sorry for such a delay in posts. I will just put it this way: a woman named Mavis has been making me an Irish breakfast every morning for the last handful of days. There were four brand new puppies in the kitchen and her husband owns race horses.
Awesome.
It's the same old story: I have no way to give you pictures right now but know that they are coming. And they will be awesome because, as my Irish friend Peter would say, "come to Ireland and take pictures of our fields. Picture nOT cool enough? Put a castle in it!"
Anyway it has been a brilliant time.
Talk soon, with pictures, I promise.

Reasons.

Do you want to know the real reason why I haven't told you where I am going/where I am?
Because I don't have my computer here with me on this little tripski, so I can't upload photos.
And what good is a story without photos?

But, alas, in a very picutre-less moment, here is the truth:
Budapest.

I am in Budapest.

Until tomorrow.

And then we are off again.

Budapest is lovely.
Next time you are in Eastern Europe, come here.

There is something very magical about European city centers at night.
Walking around, eating gelato, all kinds of street musicians, buildings and bridges and castles lit up like you wouldn't believe.
When I get home I will show you pictures.
:)
But that's all for now.
Ciao from Budapest!

Landed.

Hi Wolfies, from somewhere you haven't guessed yet!!!

So we had quite a "little" adventure trying to get here.
Let's just say that on Sunday nothing was flying in OR out of Chicago-O'Hare.

I was on the phone for more than three hours with the airline trying to GET US OUT.

But you know what? God has different plans than we do.
And he has better plans.

Through circumstances overseas and things that happened BECAUSE we were a day late in arriving...it was better. His plan was better than our plan.
Again.
Anyway, we are here. The flights finally took off, 27 hours later than expected, but we finally landed; and here is another clue.
Or rather...NOT a clue.
A picture.

This is where we begin.

I have this problem.
I always give myself a huge laundry list of things to do before I go on a trip.
Unnecessary things.

Like sewing a little holder for my boarding passes because I claim I always lose them in my carry-on.
Or like turning a pair of flip-flops into gladiator sandals, because I wanted new shoes, but didn't want to pay for them.
Or like re-landscaping my whole yard.
Or sorting through every article of everything I have ever owned.
I say yes to new clients, and yes to old clients, and yes to friendly get-togethers, all the while still somehow thinking I am going to accomplish said laundry list BEFORE I need to leave for my trip.
Needless to say, the list never gets done, I still have nothing to put boarding passes in, and I frantically run around trying to pack a suitcase, althewhile failing miserably to ask my friend, "Where did we decide to meet before we go to the airport?"
A little delay here, a little failure at accomplishing things there, and it all makes me go weak in the knees and heart and think, "LORD!! How can I screw things up so much and be such a loser?!!!"

I sigh. Feeling more than slightly defeated; a little bit like I don't measure up.

And then Jesus...
Don't you love when that line comes in a story? I think it comes because Jesus doesn't really like his Beloved to feel too defeated for too long.

"And then Jesus said..." "And then Jesus did..." "And then Jesus turned...." "And then Jesus made...."
In my case it was an, "And then Jesus said.....'You can go about and do all of those things or not do all of those things, that's fine, just remember---I have already accomplished everything."

Hmm.
There is something in me that gets great sense of worth out of accomplishing things. Seeing progress, or results, DOING things, moving the story along.
But how often do I actually remind myself, "These things can be good, or necessary, and I have freedom to do them. But they are not what gives me my worth. They are not what determines whether I am a failure or not. Everything that ever needed to be done, Jesus did. He has already accomplished it."
 I guess you could say, "How often do we remind ourselves that the truth of the story is that it is always an, 'And then Jesus....'?"
What a great truth.
He has already accomplished it.
Whatever it is. Whatever form of value or worth I am trying to pull out of all my efforts, he has already bought for me, done for me, made for me.
Value does not come in the doing, but in the One who did.
~~
In other news, my little GO-ing involves airplanes tomorrow.

Here are some more hints. This is a list of NOTS:
San Diego. Tokyo. Berlin. Paris. Lima, Peru. Bangladesh. To climb Everest.
I have no real probabilities of eating horse, octopus, or jellyfish (all of which I have done in the past, but don't foresee doing THIS trip).
I will not be on the continent of Russia.
It doens't involve camels, elephants, or lizzards (hopefully about the lizards---a little disappointing about the elephants).

Ok, that's all the clue for now.

Hope.

My brothers all work in ministry. They are all pastors, of sorts. They can all tell stories of God’s goodness, providence, greatness, and power to save.

But being in ministry can be hard. You see hardships, hear stories, and witness tragedies that you never wanted to see, hear, or witness. All things that should not have been.

For the believer it leaves your heart with this ache. This knowing that the world is not what it was meant to be. We have fallen so far.

In more recent times, they have all had encounters with suicide. The end result of a life its owner thought was worthless.

We can call it selfish, and surely, it probably is. We can call it a tragedy, and we know it is that because it disrupts the right order of things. We can reach out to the members of that person’s family, because they must not have seen it coming either. We can hold candlelight services in faith that the gruesome reality will turn others away from doing the same thing.
But those are all after-effects. Like tremors after an earthquake; the damage is already done, now we just get to feel it again.

Were there things being done BEFORE for that person?

Had they been told they weren’t alone?
I can imagine the only feeling one would have who is contemplating and act like this is hopelessness. The belief that it never will get better. The belief that they have fallen completely to the bottom; completely to the bottom with no way out of the pit.

Church attendance across America is on the downslope. They say it’s a dying industry.

Did you know that?

Something like 70%+ of kids who grew up in church will leave the faith once they go to college.

Did you know that?

There are government supported groups who go into schools and say that the Bible is fallacy.

Did you know that?

There are hopeless people who live in the same town as you. Work in your office. Shop in your grocery stores.

Did you know that?

These are facts I don’t like to think about. I don’t want to believe them. It’s so much easier to keep to my life isn’t it?
You know, my temptation is to fall into pits of overwhelmed-ness. I watch the news and want to cry. I see climbing gas prices and want to cry. I see friends ruining their life even when they know the truth and I want to cry. Or slap them silly. Or both. At the same time.

I see the lost and am overwhelmed with how much I want them to know Jesus.

My heart gets heavy.

I can feel almost hopeless.

But wait a second. If I feel hopeless, how in the world will I ever tell the truly hopeless, i.e. the ones who don’t have Hope yet, that there is HOPE, and HE, because he is the only one who gives hope, He pulled  them out of many deep waters!!!!!????

There must be some disconnect.

People are leaving the church. People are leaving the faith. Our society hates believers. But aren’t we the only ones who actually have HOPE? The believers who have faith who are in church??
What are they not seeing?! What are we not doing?

There is a verse in Psalm 27 that always leaves me a little skeptical. “I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

Really? But aren’t those people on the news, or the ones who are leaving church, or the “hopeless” ones “the land of the living”?
Where is the goodness, I ask?

I want to ask where David was looking. I imagine that he didn’t live in societies as far gone as ours. And then I remember that his societies were just like mine. We both have temples of pagan worship, whether I call it that or not. Both followed their own desires. Both had corrupt governments. Both had wars.

Yeah, David knew BAD. That whole Psalm, to my surprise, finds David in times I would say are like mine: Tumultuous.

He starts by saying who God is---that God’s character is why he doesn’t fear.

He says that even though he is attacked and besieged he will not fear; he will be confident.
What he asks for is not deliverance. He asks that he may “Dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of his life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple.”
David says that trouble will come, but in God’s dwelling David will find shelter.

 “Your face, O Lord, will I seek.”

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.”

 “Teach me your way, O LORD; lead me in a straight path.”

“I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”

And I wonder: Am I showing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, or am I part of the problem?

Will my “taking heart” show his goodness? Is that the key?

Not fearing because I know him.
Seeking his face.
Walking in straight paths.
Being the goodness of the Lord.

What if my goal, our goal, was to everyday prove this verse true to someone? Being goodness with skin on. And that goodness shows that I do not fear because I see his face. I walk in straight paths and dwell in his shelter.

I gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and therefore I can do good in the land of the living.
Show hope to the hopeless, because there, but for the grace of God, go I.

What if we got really bold and prayed that God would bring the hopeless ones across our paths?

Are we willing to do it? Are we willing to get messy?
After all, didn’t he get messy for us?

I assume that most of you reading this have been dragged out of a pit by Jesus. We can say with David, “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of many deep waters,” (Psalm 18:16), or with Paul and say “…I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus TOOK HOLD OF ME.”

Grabbed out of many deep waters.
Or from lives without faith. Lives without hope.
Lives of walking away from the truth even when we KNEW it.
Or from feeling like we were absolutely, hopelessly---alone.
Or from the bottom of pits we thought there was no way out of.

It’s his goodness, wolfies. His goodness. There is no hope outside of it. Not for you, or for me, or that person in your office, or that person in your grocery store, or that other soccer mom, or that person who is leaving your church, or that person at the bottom. There is no hope outside of it.

“Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.” (Romans 4:7)

Give THAT Hope to the hopeless.

Be the goodness.
Tell them their sins have been forgiven.

Settle-ing.

There has been a theme throughout my days for the last few months of my life. I have never felt it before. Maybe I was too busy before to feel it. It caught me a little off guard, made me put up some defenses for a while, simply because it did not fit into my picture of how I thought things would continue to go.

I think I have been wanting to settle.

Yikes.

I know, I know, I was shocked too.

Not necessarily with anyone and most assuredly not with anyone specifically, mind you.

But just not be on the go so much. Stay in one place longer.

Maybe buy a sofa.

Yeah, I haven’t ever done that before.

Why, you might ask? Because I have never had need for one, I thought. If I ever needed to sit down, I had a bed, or a kitchen table, or definitely more oftentimes used, the front seat of my car.
Yeah, my brain DOES think like that, I assure you.
Did I ever tell you that in the last two years there was this 10 month period where I didn’t sleep more than 5 consecutive nights in the same bed?
Most of this was by my choosing, and to be honest, I absolutely loved it. I think I pride myself on it. But that lifestyle has a tendency to wear a person down. And like someone who feels they need to “catch up on their sleep,” I feel like I need to “catch up on my staying.”

This concept of settling, then, is really foreign, because clearly it has not been something I do too well. Or have ever attempted to do. I have never put roots down. I have moved numerous times, made amazing friendships, but roots? No. I have thought of myself as one of those plants that grow on top of the water, just kind of floating there.
I guess I am no longer relishing that fact. Being a nomad has lost its luster.

I don’t know why I am surprised I was a “nomad” for a while.

Years and years ago I started thinking about Bedouins. The only thing I can think to blame this fact on is Sting’s song Desert Rose which makes me feel like I am in Morocco. And I love feeling like I am in Morocco. I imagine Bedouins live in Morocco (I don’t actually think they do, though). I think I have idealized it in my head.
Anyway. In my idealized thinking I was looking through pictures and pictures and pictures of Bedouin tents.
Like these:

Please notice the camels. You can't be a true Bedouin without camels.

It brings on a sense of abandonment in me. As in, if God calls, being willing to abandon all earthly possessions and just GO. Immediately. Throw everything I need to survive in one tote bag and GO (which is why I design tote bags for a living).
In these feelings of abandonment I prayed one day, “Lord, I would live in a tent with you.” It was my way of putting him above all other things.

Years past and I found myself in the said condition of nomadicism (I just made up that word). One day, sitting on my bed (and not my non-existent couch), I was doing my devotions, seeing all kinds of things I could easily abandon and the thought crossed my mind, “This is that tent we talked about, isn’t it?”

I guess God makes you be true to the vows you make.

I smiled. Thanking him for the GO-ing time, knowing that he was the one who ordained it, and I have learned that anything ordained by him is the BETTER thing. So that was the life I lived.

Well now, in his ordained-ness, the nomadicism (there is that word again)seems to be coming to an end, at least in the encompassing sense.

And the settling-in feelings have begun.

I will talk later on the “Building a Life” concept I have also been rolling around in my head, but for today I will enjoy the benefits of settled-ness: Like my own bed, and knowing how to make coffee in my coffee pot, and doing laundry without having to ask someone.

And tomorrow?

I will pack a suitcase again. Why? Because this weekend I will be off on another big GO-ing. I don’t think I am going to tell you where I am going, but rather give you clues.

Clue #1: A very well-used spice has its origins in this country.

Happy Guessing, wolfies. Go where he tells you.