It's still true these days. Hubbs and I got back Sunday night from a ten day trip to The Homeland. He had work to do there, I ended up having work to do there, we had people to see there, he officiated a wedding there. All kinds of wonderful things!!! We loved being there!
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| Hubbs and Mama on a walk! |
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| Morning time in the woods. Feeling like Sacagawea. Which is just how I like to feel in the mornings. |
Sunday as we were departing we both looked at each other and knew each other's heart. Much in the same way a little girl would, I looked at him and said with little tears in my eyes, "But...but..but I don't want to go back."
Our situation is different. Where we live right now is only a short stint. 5 months total and we are half way through (glory!). Which is probably why it doesn't feel like home. We love our little rental house, but that's about it. Nothing else seems to fit right. We kept remarking to each other as we were back home how friendly everyone was, as opposed to this stand-off-ish city that has been our experience. "Get this! Not only did my barista ask how my day was going, but a stranger actually smiled at me in Starbucks!" I texted Hubbs one morning, totally elated.
"Do you notice how all the grocery stores here are so bright and organized and clean?!" Hubbs asked me one day, reveling in what used to be "old-hat" to us.
And so coming home was not an experience of sigh and relief. I really noticed the differences via contrast one day we were Home when we went to visit my parents. Having raised me in this house, it still sits in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by woods and fields, and to this day (and until Hubbs and I create something to usurp it) it truly is HOME.
I stepped out of the car and was shocked by what I heard.
Absolutely nothing.
Nothing but the breeze and birds.
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| See! Look! Nothing! |
The interesting thing, though, is that I didn't realize I wasn't at peace. Until going home I had thought that we had created a really nice life in our new city. We had set up our house the way we like it, the way that works for us, we had gotten into a routine with work and church, etc. I didn't notice the noise of the city, I didn't notice the constant din until, all of a sudden, it wasn't there.
Isn't it funny how life can surprise you? I really had no idea that where we live is loud until I was somewhere that was quiet.
Needless to say, that is precisely one of the reasons why I didn't want to come back. I like it better there. I like the peace, the calm, the quiet, the slower pace, the friendlier people, all of our family and friends.
As I was pondering all of these things, it occurred to me that this is just the exact same thought I have had before a thousand times, only in reverse. Rather than feel the tremendous peace about coming "home" (to our Five Month house), it was leaving it for somewhere else that brought me peace.
In blogs of the past I wrote about how the feeling of coming home always reminds me of Heaven; it tells me something to look forward to is there. And I still absolutely believe it. It's a truth we cling to. Feeling the peace and calm and serenity of The Homeland made me know that it is still true more than ever.
But what about now? What about this side of Heaven?
Well, coming "home" Sunday made me understand that, too.
In Philippians Paul talks about this very thing. He has just said that "To live is Christ, and to die is gain," and now he gives light on the debate that volleys back and forth in his head.
"If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me." (Philippians 1:21-26)
Like Hubbs and I with our Five Month House and our Five Month City, Paul wanted to be somewhere else. To be departed from this earth was gain to him. He wanted to be with Christ. He wanted to put away his earthly tent it says in II Corinthians 5.
To put it bluntly, he had had enough.
And yet. Because there is always an "And yet" with Jesus, he knew that he was still here because other people NEEDED him here. It was better that he stayed and so he knew that here, on this earth, where he didn't want to be, is where Jesus was going to keep him.
While I wish it was an exact parallel between my life in the 5 Month City in that I was here with a very distinct purpose (Hubbs is the one with that), I do really think that the Lord is using us here, and by George, I PRAY that he is using us here. I pray diligently that we are casting around the aroma of Christ to those we come into contact with (II Cor. 2:14-15) in our neighborhood, our church, and all of our comings and goings, and I trust that He who is Faithful is putting our time here to good use. So that is why we stay.
Even though we would prefer to be home.
And so I was ruminating this in my head, feeling all holy when I thought that here we are, doing what we don't want to do because we are good Christians with long suffering and perseverance when it occurred to me that maybe I still was a little off.
For though it is true that this is a great picture of what Paul is talking about, I was captured by my own mental divulgence in the way of "Yes, B, you are here but want to be elsewhere and this looks like what Paul is talking about, making "The Homeland" quite "The Heaven" in your mind. But what do you do with the fact that "The Homeland" is not HEAVEN????"
Whoa.
Right like that I realized(.....oh Goodness!!!.....it's hard for me to even type it!!!......), I have a skewed relationship to Home.
Oh sure, God has so graciously placed me there and you bet your bottom dollar I praised him every day that I live there for the opportunity to live there, but.....and I have this sinking feeling about it....was I loving it more than Heaven?
See, if I was to go off what Paul say, I should feel about The Homeland how I feel about Five Month City. As in, I know that it's where God has me and I am happy to do the work he has given me to do there, but in the even that I could choose, would I choose Heaven?
I guess to put it bluntly the question is this: am I too comfortable and at home on this earth?
Yes, this IS the only home I have ever known, and like I have said before and believe to the depths of my House Project loving heart, Christian earthly homes are a wonderful glimpse of our True Home, but do I resonate with Paul when he speaks like he does? Do I know beyond doubt in the core of me that Heaven is "Better by far"?
Have I become too engulfed in what this place (earthly existence) has to offer that I love it like a Native and not like the "Temporary Resident and Foreigner" that I actually am (I Peter 2:11)?
Oh Wolfies, my prayer for you is the same as my prayer for my time in the Five Month City....and now my prayer for all the time I will have when we return to The Homeland (and wherever God would choose for us to be), "Lord, let us desire to be with you, knowing that our true home is where you are, but keep us faithful, because you are faithful, to the work that you would have us do here."
Keep up the good work, babies, but remember, true comfort must never come to a Temporary Resident in a foreign land.
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