Maybe having sweet baby V was the catalyst that brought it all to mind, but since she has been here and we have been enjoying her, (oh so enjoying her), my mind has wandered to my friends who are not around to enjoy her.
You know, the ones I have lost contact with for one reason or another.
Some of those relationships needed to go, as in they were not healthy; most likely not healthy for either of us (I am not too proud to admit that I might be toxic to someone: as they say, "Not every student is for every teacher" and some friendships are like that too. I also know I am not universally appealing).
And some relationships have just run their course, which is the way life goes. As my mother always said, "You are friends with someone for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."
But what about the other ones? The ones I sometimes pine for? The ones that had been so sweet and life-giving during their zenith, but then----fell away?
Really, there is one in particular. We met in a theatre dressing room. Long story short, we were in a play together and had never met until we opened the show (amazingly enough), when I was walking by a dressing room during a quick costume change and she grabbed me and said, "Come plug me in, would you!?"
See, she was the star of Bethlehem and had a light-up costume :) It sounds corny, but was really dazzling in the darkened theatre.
And that was all it took. We became fast friends. Best friends fast.
I moved away (like always) and we kept it up. I would go visit her. She would come visit me.
So the distance didn't keep us apart.
We shared clothes (joked that we should call ourselves the Sisterhood of the Traveling Closet) and liked the same men (but thankfully never dated the same men!) and did photoshoots in outrageous costumes (because we both believe that even adult women need to play dress-up every now and again) and I cooked for her and she taught me how to do hair and makeup and I went to see her in all kinds of shows and she laughed at my jokes (because, as I once told her, "I am the funny one; you are just the laugher." "Just? Just? But where would your hilarity be without me to laugh at you??! No where. The funny ones are not funny without the laughers," she reminded me. And we both laughed.).
It was a great time.
And so when the fade started, it caught me by surprise. I didn't think our friendship was fade-able.
Was it because we didn't live by each other to influence each other anymore and be interested in the same things? Was it because we got other friends? Was it just life happening? Was it the Lord?
See, all that time, I had been delving into the Word and my faith and really wanting to know the Lord.
And I guess, while I was away, she was delving into....other things, I suppose.
We kept being amiable. All of our conversations over the phone were now ending with, "We should keep in touch more!" instead of the usual, "Ok, I'll probably talk to you tomorrow!"
Until one day.
*Sigh.
I hate those days.
I was in her city for some reason and so made a point to see her.
And I left with tears in my eyes knowing we would probably never speak again.
She had told me that she no longer believed as I did. As we both had.
That made me sad to hear, but I didn't think that was just enough grounds to stop a friendship. I have all kinds of friends who I am not on the same page with about all kinds of stuff.
She didn't feel the same way, though.
She didn't want the negative influence I brought into her life. She said she didn't need people who believed as I do in her life.
She said she had no place for me anymore. We were at that proverbial fork in the road; she went one way, I went----well I continued going in the direction we both had at one time been traveling.
I remember being sad that she wasn't around to meet Hubbs when he and I were dating. And I remember being sad over the "vacant spot" there was at my wedding.
And now that Vivy is here, it makes me sad again. Sad that she doesn't know I am a mommy.
There is a passage I have read recently that brought all of this full-circle in my mind.
"For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life." (II Cor. 2:15-16)
I always like the first part of this verse, that we are the aroma of Christ. Just spreading his "scent" all around. Oh how I want people to "smell" the Lord on me, as an amazing perfume that fills the room.
That's what I want.
Isn't it funny, though, how sometimes the Lord uses us in ways we don't want to be used?
Like, I would have preferred if the Lord had made me smell to her like the aroma of life to life.
I don't want to smell like death to her. I don't want her to see me and my life as putrid, rancid, a thing unclean.
*Sigh.
Again.
I don't get to choose that, though. I don't get to choose how the Lord uses me in the lives of others.
It's in these times that you can think, "Oh, well maybe I don't have to stand up for Christ like that. Maybe I can sugar coat things. Maybe I can be more universally appealing." For there is something in my nature that doesn't want what I believe to be rejected. I don't want to me the baby that gets thrown out with the bathwater. I don't want to be cast off.
Sometimes it's a harsh pill to swallow when you see playing out that Jesus said, "I did not come to bring peace...but division." (Luke 12:51)
The humanity in me makes me wish I wasn't the divider he used.
Simultaneously, though, it all makes me long for the day when I have eyes to see as he does. When I can see how spreading around the aroma of death to those who are perishing is still a fragrant offering to the Lord. For the day when I can begin to comprehend all that he is doing and how he is weaving all of these journeys together into something that pleases him.
But until that day, when I can see glimpses of how he sees, I keep on. I keep on believing what he has said in his word, not backing down from telling the truth in love, and ever-increasingly so praying for those who the Lord may be using me to cast around an unpleasant odor to; praying that someday the smell for them will change.
Take heart, Wolfies, if God is using you in someone's life in a way you wish he wouldn't. Regardless of how he uses you, if he is using you your life is being an offering to the Lord.
