Not Anticipated.

I came with the sunrise.

Why I am still shocked by occurrences like this in my life is beyond me.
Surely I should be used to it by now.

Nope.

Would you believe me if I told you I was in Colorado right now?

Yeah, I don’t know how I get to these places either.

Meaning, 48 hours ago I had no plans to be in Colorado right now.

Please also note that I don’t live in Colorado. I live a few states away.

Yeah.
So this is more than a hop and skip. There are definitely jumps and leaps in addition to the hops and skips.

God is so funny, do you know that? And sure, sometimes his humor can catch us off guard and make us say, “Are you serious?” to which, I can only imagine he would say, “Totally serious,” because typically his humor shows up in how he changes our plans or changes our desires or makes us realize that we weren’t actually so right all along like we thought.

Which can sometimes, if we are holding tightly to our plans, desires, or those things we “know” we are right about, not seem so funny.

Other times, however, it’s funny.

Like right now, if I think about. For here I sit, in Colorado, typing away, still not entirely convinced that I am actually here.

It was a good reason why I came. I need to be here, I needed to come. No doubt about it.

I just didn’t see it coming.

This, too, is also a part of God’s humor, I think. He loves surprises. And again, I can get bent out of shape about those if I refused to let go of how I thought my life needed to be run. If I couldn’t relinquish my plans. If I couldn’t learn to laugh at how he does things, if I didn’t learn to appreciate his humor.

If I didn’t actually trust.

But I will be honest. Sometimes I don’t want to trust, I don’t want to enjoy his surprises, I want my plans to go the way I want them to.

OH if only God would cooperate!

WHAT IN THE WORLD AM I SAYING?!?!

 God? Cooperate? Why do I think he should cooperate?

I guess it is pretty telling of the condition of my heart some days, feeling like I own my life and junk.

So maybe his surprises are so I can relax a bit and remember the absolute truth of THIS IS NOT MY LIFE.

I didn’t start me. I won’t end me. I didn’t design the middle.
Why do I think I should have so much say over the matter?

I suppose because my life is very personal to me; that’s why I think he should listen to my advice. For surely I know how to run my personal affairs….

Sadly, though, the older I get the more I am beginning to really think that I don’t actually know how to run my personal affairs. For, in those rare times that something does happen just the way I want it to (this situation has maybe happened twice), I soon come to realize that it isn’t as great as I thought it was going to be.

And maybe we should have done what he wanted in the first place, and maybe I shouldn’t have put up so much FUSS…..

You know, all of this stuff about my life, his plans, his humor, surprises, and me being in Colorado on Tuesday when I had no plans to be here on Sunday, it comes down to a matter of security, doesn’t it?

And me confronting the issue of where in fact my security comes from.

Does it come from my life? My personal space, time, affairs, plans, desires, ambitions, successes, and even security in the failures because they “were mine”?

Or does it come from him? And him being who he is in all the million little ways I maybe never anticipated, typically don’t appreciate (when was the last time you thought about that? How there are parts of God we don’t appreciate? Yikes. We really are terrible creatures, aren’t we?), or more often than not am confused by?
But in the middle of me being confused or….surprised….or just not knowing what the heck he is going to do with all of this (but he will do something with all of this, Wolfies, he will! I am banking on it!), comes the only thing that really is strong enough for me to be secure in:

His goodness.

In my life I have found it’s the only thing that makes sense of all of this.

All the surprises. All the changed plans. All the characteristics of him that throw me for a loop.

I have to come back and rest and find security in the overwhelming fact that, as the Psalmist says, “God is good; and what he does is good.” (Psalm 119:68)

Period. No questions. With him there are no games (Praise the Lord).

He is just GOOD.

See, nothing else really makes me feel secure. My plans don’t. Definitely not my efforts, my ambition, my self-motivation, my creativity, my thoughts of how it all should go.

Those don’t make me feel safe. They don’t make me sleep in peace at the end of each day.

But Goodness? And the goodness of a God that’s big enough to handle it all, create it all, move it all to where he likes it?

That’s where my hope is. That’s where it has to be. Nothing else comforts me. Nothing else makes sense of why I am….surprisingly….in Colorado; nothing else but goodness. And trusting that the All Good One knows what he is doing.

Timeless.

Every once in a while I allow my mind to wander back a bit. Back a few years to a different place, a different job, a different season. And maybe my mind wanders back to then and there, when, come some Friday night, in my current here and now, I don’t have plans. So, I find something for myself to do, trying not to remind myself that the overwhelming majority of my friends and relations don’t live by me.
I try not to miss them.
Here and now is more solitary than then and there was.
And my mind will, more often than not, wander to a dinner table owned by some of my very dear friends, around which gathered quite a group of us who would have the best of times.
The talk was always everywhere, all over the place.
Music, books, Jesus, crazy stories, future plans, past adventures, laughter, coffee coffee coffee, laughter and then more, and tears and great food and political disagreements and what has become some of my favorite memories.
Memories my mind wanders to.
Misses.
And some of those times had an essence to it that was almost otherworldly, for, dinner would start at, say, 7, and when I would look at the clock, what seemed like 20 minutes later, it was 2 in the morning.

And none of us had noticed that we had sat there for 7 hours.

It was as if the night was----timeless. It felt like 20 minutes but the clock said 7 hours, yet I still felt like I wasn’t sure which one to believe.

Which, I suppose it you think about it, timelessness is otherworldly.

Or have you ever noticed the opposite?
When you are waiting waiting waiting and you are sure two hours have passed, when, to your chagrin, you find it’s only been 15 minutes?

In a funny sense of the word that, too, is timeless.

Our experience seems to transcend the clock, making a mockery of time.

You know, I have noticed that human beings have a tendency to take things and attempt to conform them to their will.

Do you know what I am talking about?
I do it all the time.

We will take something someone said and twist it to our liking.

We will take something someone said and twist it to make them look like the bad guy.
We will take some consequence of our sin and find someone else to blame.
We will find some reason for why ever relationship we enter into ends up being broken, never once considering that in all of those situations WE are the only common denominator.
We lie to cover something we did that we shouldn’t have, just to save face.

Situation Manipulation.

All of it.

But one thing that really bothers me is when people will take something that God said in his Word and manipulate it so that it fits into whatever their view of truth or justice or love or time or whatever is.

Now, that is by NO means me saying that I do not do this.

I will be the first to admit it.
I do not do it intentionally, however, please know that, but I am human, so of course I do it. Let’s be honest.
Which, just a note, is exactly the reason why you should probably never believe more than something like 80% of what I say, just for good measure.
 : )

That being said, one thing that I have heard manipulated is a passage of scripture that, while I knew they weren’t right about how they manipulated it, I also didn’t know how to make sense of it either to give a rebuttal.

Until a few weeks ago when I was missing my friends from the “then and there” in this “here and now.”

“But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” (II Peter 3:8)

“For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.” (Psalm 90:4)

So, the deal is that I have heard people using this verse, of all things, to try and prove creation wrong.

Something about the “7 days” maybe meaning a thousand years because, well, “to the Lord a day is like a thousand years,” they say, “so how can we really know what he meant?”

Ummm…..no.

If for no other reason, neither of those verses talk contextually about creation.

Ergo, that’s not what it’s referring to.
Just for future reference.

Glad we settled that point.

But, as I said, for the longest time I could not wrap my brain around this concept either!

What does that even mean?!

Then, like a wisp of something floating in the air, one day I was praying about something very TIME-ly, and I was caught up in how God is absolutely not constrained by time.

He created it, he doesn’t exist in it, it is only a tool for him not a problem or something to work around, he never races a clock.

I was telling a friend about this little comfort when all of the sudden it hit me what those passages are really talking about:

                                God is eternal, he therefore is timeless. To him a day is like….a thousand years, and a thousand years is like….a day. Time means nothing to him.

Because what else can eternity or being eternal possibly be than the absence of time? It has no beginning. It has no end. He has no beginning, he has no end.

Then that removes eternity from being like anything that which is governed by a clock.

Just like all those dinners with friends. It exists somewhere outside the realm of the sun going up and the sun going down. Time meant nothing, it was not an interruption.

When speaking about Heaven and eternity I have heard people say a few common remarks. “Well, I just hope the time goes fast until my loved ones meet me in Heaven,” or “Eternity? I am supposed to worship God for eternity? Won’t that be a little boring? Is there going to be nothing else to do?”

On top of both of these being a little pessimistic, I knew the argument had to be missing something other than optimism.

As humans we are so constrained by time. Fixated on it, annoyed by it.

That is not like God. He has his own timing.

Praise the Lord. Are you not so glad he doesn’t play by the same rules we go? That what grates on us and wears us down doesn’t do the same to him?
He does what he wants, when he wants, always working the good.

And so, the only thing I can think, then, is that when we get past this life, when we shuffle off these times that bind us and enter into eternity, will we have God’s view of timing. Because only then will we understand true Timelessness. We get glimpses of it during dinners with friends sometimes, which, I believe are God-ordained to make us know that a realm outside of this ticking-clock world exists; it gives us a hunger for eternity.

I see all of this coming to complete understanding in a picture like this: I can imagine me “running into someone” on the streets of gold in Heaven and them asking, “How long have you been here?”

To which, having forgotten about time completely by this point, living in a timeless realm, I would have nothing else to say but, “Ummm….I’m not really sure. It might have just been since yesterday. But then again, it might have been a thousand years. It seems that here one is exactly the same as the other.”

They didn't make it.

Much like most of my desires, Fall goes as quickly as it comes.
In little or no time, all the traces of the season's bright and resplendent zenith dot my lawn, rather than my trees.

The once blazing-red Burning Bush, which sometimes would make me feel like I needed to take my shoes off when I was by it, now sits empty, looking like any other bush in my garden.


Then.

Now.

Similar sights everywhere I look remind me of winter's imminent birth. The trees bare limbs are now are being tucked in for a long sleep. It's like they are resigned for another 5 months until life again will spring from their spindly arms. Like I mentioned, my yard is now carpeted in gold. Gold that once was green and gave me shade from the sun.
Looking around on this snuggly, overcast Fall morning I am reminded of something I pondered a few years ago on a day not too terribly different from this one.

I found the musings, kind of like prose, in my old journal and I think that today, maybe today, is as good a time as any to share.

~~~~
Suddenly it's just me. Feeling small and sitting alone in a silent mansion. It's a comforting quiet; my subtle companion as I watch the world go by through picture windows and breezes which give some movement to that horse swing made of tires right outside said window.
 I am caught off guard by the calmness of the world as it progresses through time. Maybe I should clarify that it's not really the WORLD I am watching. From here I see no cars. Certainly no stores and public transit. The most commotion in this current existence is from the ceiling fan that seems to get off balance every 35 seconds and produces a faint rattling as it is righting itself.
 So no.
Not the world. That's not what I am watching.
More like those still-green oak leaves and those blades of grass that have just been sprinkled by a very British-esque mist which has lingered all morning.
The sun threatens to peak out and I wish it wouldn't. The gray is giving me a nice repose.
In this silence, though. The blades of grass and the leaves and the rock wall. They seem completely unaffected by that world I can't see from here. They make me think of time going slower; I know this isn't the case, though, as time goes the same for me as it does for them. They just seem to spend their days differently. For good reason, too: their life is shorter than mine. They, the grasses and the leaves and the flowers, of anyone, know how fleeting it all is. Three months, maybe four in this climate. That's all the time they have to do what they do: Be beautiful and green and keep the mud off my feet and the sun off my back. The rock wall has seen hundreds of months come and go, and is probably worse for the wear. It, though, might know time more acutely than anyone else, for it is what it is. No new life comes to a rock wall; just a slow persistent decay.
 Yet, in their short existence, I find a meaning most elusive to most things more animate, more growing, with more longevity.
With my hustle and bustle and 4 p.m. coffee I think I have decided that I am doing it all wrong. Who ever knew that lawn coverings could pack so much of a punch to my habits and decided patterns of how I live this life?
 See, the thing is, if plants and flowers and grasses had thoughts, this is what they would know: They would understand decay. They would understand fleeting and time better than anyone--and I think they would understand expectation.
This leaf has only less than half a year to do what it was created to do, while knowing with everything that they are that this short time frame is NOT how it was supposed to be.
Romans 8: 19-22 says, "The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time..."

All creation waits in expectation. All creation wants so badly to be redeemed from this decay it was subjected to. To forgo this limited existence of accomplishing its only purpose: To reveal glory (Romans 1: 20).
I wonder. Does every leaf hope it is going to be in the generation that gets restored? Liberated? Freed from frustration?
Do they fear their fate of swift death by a sun to unbearable or a frost too frozen?

Sure all of this sounds silly, but the pulse and expanding heart in my chest whispers that I am onto something.
This is not right and the ache making me almost short of breath knows it.
Time passing means that there is an end. A death.
A slow fade; a cut off.
And for most----a separation.A not seeing Glory.

Human beings utterly removed from an Existence they knew they never knew.

And know they should have known.

In their passing of time the lack of redemption, the wrongness, most assuredly was felt. Why else for the hustle and bustle? Is it not to cover up this knowledge that they don't know Him? Being busy doesn't leave you time to sit and watch swaying leaves and growing grasses that are expectant and hopeful. It just leaves you time to mow it.

In going against the grain, here I sit, pondering a truth that those oak leaves know better than I do.
When you are a leaf and your only purpose for existing is truth and the telling of it, you somehow see the world differently.
Rain means a prolonged life. Clouds mean shade from the withering heat.

"One more day. Give me one more day," I can hear this growing creation saying. "I want to be the one who sees His coming. I want to be the one changed, removed from my frustrations. The one finally made whole again. No end to doing the only thing I was created to do: tell of His glory."

I can almost hear them talking as I sit in this silent mansion.

And yet the funny this is: I almost feel an envy coming from them. A pity, too.
Leaves and grasses and fading flowers, created only to show glory, they see my permanence and wish they had more time like I do. Yet they see my lack of understanding that so far these 20-something odd years have not given me, and they pity me for not "getting it." They pity me for not hearing the only truth they are trying to proclaim. For not understanding their only purpose in existing:
             To proclaim the coming. Proclaim His coming. Proclaim that I need to submit to the coming Glory.

Does my hard heart make them feel like they fail, I wonder?
Does their truth, this message of a coming Restoration and Righting, make no impact on my hustle-bustle-4-p-m-coffee existence?
And, if I don't understand their message, who failed? Me or them? Are they too quiet, and am I too insulated?
Or is it a mutual edification? Their proclaiming a Coming, and me seeing it and thus understanding my failure, my deep deep need for the Restoration they speak of, the Restoration they hope they are the generation to see.
Even if neither of us are witnesses to the coming they proclaim , did we both fulfill our purpose? Them proclaiming, and me understanding the gravity of all they speak?
And who, in the end, will have proclaimed Glory better? These swaying, fleeting, expectant leaves, or me finally being aware of my need to be righted and restored?

~~~

It's obscure, I know.
But have you ever thought about it? All creation waits in eager expectation. They are waiting for the big reveal, like guests in a chapel waiting for the bride to come.
And all they are created to do is say that He is coming, he will not leave his bride.
That's what the Bible says about creation.
I can only imagine, then, that all creation would want to be the generation, THE summer leaves, to see all they proclaim about come to fruition.

This November morning truth, however, is that this generation didn't make it: They proclaimed and they proclaimed and they proclaimed. Yet, in God's patience and perfect timing, they are not the ones that are going to see.
Going to see his splendored coming.

In five months, though, another generation of proclaimers will come. And they will repeat this glorious message: He IS coming. Some generation WILL see it.All things will be righted by his presence, frustration will be removed, all will be revealed, and all that will remain is that which cannot be shaken (Hebrews 12:27)

Praise the Lord. And thank you, decaying creation which is sprinkled all over my lawn, for speaking of a hope I need on dreary bare-limbed mornings.

Hold Your Horses.

When my favorite blogger of all time decided to call it quits earlier this year (Alyssa Welch from the blog Resolved2Worship—and I think I still mourn like twice a week. Ha! But seriously.), after the initial withdrawal passed, I knew I needed to find something to take its place; something with some meat to it, as opposed to all of those fashion blogs I seem to be the most ravenous consumer of. And while I doubt I will ever really find an equal replacement, I did stumble upon this little beauty:

LifeinGraceBlog.

Not only does Edie, its curator, seem to really love Jesus, she also seems to be

A.      Funny, and
B.      Have really great style.

Both of which are qualities I find particularly endearing.

I think the first post of hers that snagged me was one entitled “Why I am not a feminist,” which—is just the type of thing that I love. And secondly, the style of her house snagged me. Pretty much because every single thing in her home I look at and go, “Yep, that’s just like my house.”

PhotoCred: LifeinGrace blog

PhotoCred: LifeinGrace blog

PhotoCred: LifeinGrace blog

 

Over the top and slightly mismatched and bold and going in a million directions and totally to the nines. They say houses are visual representations of their owners…and I could not agree more. But that is an entirely different story. Of which I could talk to you about for forever.

Ok, I think that was a bunny-trail.
What I am getting at was one day I saw this picture on her blog.

PhotoCred: LifeinGrace blog.

And knew we were soul sisters.

Because this is what a little vignette in my bedroom looks like:

 

Over the top, I told you.
But don’t be alarmed, every single thing in this picture was either gifted to me, thrifted by me, or made…also by me. You don’t need to go crazy to go crazy, you know?!!? Ha.

Bunny trail…again.

When I saw that picture of her mantle, I fell absolutely in love with that “Hold your Horses” sign of hers.

Why?

Because in this season of my life, I definitely feel like if I had horses I would be holding them

right now.

And holding them some more.
And learning the fine art of patience.
And learning it again because apparently I haven’t learned it yet.
Still not yet.
Still holding the hypothetical horses.
You understand.

What am I to do then?

Paint a “Hold Your Horses” sign.
Obviously.

And hang it right next to my bed so that I see it in the morning…and at night….and in the reflection of my mirror opposite it when I am getting ready for the day…and every time I walk into my closet.

 

I thought about putting in very small print below the phrase, “Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord,” but I didn’t. Because I know it’s implied.

Seriously, though. It’s becoming my mantra. That and “Expect a Miracle.” Which I have permanent- markered onto my dressing table mirror in big scrolling handwriting.

Sometimes I just needed to be reminded, you know? Even if “sometimes” happens to be every day.

 And today was just one of those days where I definitely needed to be reminded.

Since the date is the 4^th, today I read 4s. Psalm 4. Proverbs 4. Luke 4.
How awesome then, on a day when I needed to hear it, I was presented with it.
Luke 4 is the passage where Jesus goes out into the wilderness for 40 days, fasts, and then is tempted by the devil. Really, his temptations follow the pattern of I John 2:15-17, especially verse 16.
“For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of the eyes, and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.”

 All temptation that is common to man will fall into one of these three categories: Lust of the Flesh, Lust of the Eyes, or the Pride of Life. No surprise then, that Jesus had placed before him all of them. Therefore, true as the morning, is Hebrews 4:15. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin.”

Doesn’t that just blow your mind?
Whatever temptation you are facing, not only is there a way out (I Cor. 10:13), but Jesus has been tempted in that way, too, and therefore knowingly goes before the Father on our behalf.

Thank you, Jesus.

So in Luke 4, this morning the part that caught my attention was the Pride of Life part.
(Luke 4:5-8) “The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, ‘I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. So if you worship me, it will all be yours.’ Jesus answered, ‘It is written: “Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.”’”

Right off the bat I noticed a couple things.

1.       How interesting that the devil says he can give splendor and authority to anyone he wants. It puts a new light on the concept of “celebrity,” doesn’t it? But that’s another topic for another time.

2.       The word “instant” is used. And I live in an “instant gratification” culture. I know all about this. I have electricity, I have immediate hot water, I have immediate air conditioning, I have a microwave, I have a high powered hair-straightener, I have high-speed internet, I have a digital camera. We understand life being instant. I can get in a tiff when things are not. Yet, in that time and place, there wasn’t so much that was instant. BUT, and this is crucial, the temptation was still there for Jesus.

3.       AND, that was the only thing that was tempting. Why do I say that? Because look at what the devil is offering: Splendor and authority. Yeah, those seem like they would be greatly tempting, but, did it ever occur to you that Jesus had already been promised all of that? As in, all authority was going to be his anyway, and splendor to boot (like when he comes again—II Thess. 2:8). Matthew 7:29 it says that he taught “as one who had authority,” and later in 28: 18 of Matthew Jesus says of himself, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me…”

So, authority was already going to be his. And splendor, too. The key word phrase there, however, is, “was…going to be.” And the devil knew this.
Which is why he came at the beginning of Jesus’ ministry: he was going to offer those things EARLY.

He was playing on the human desire for instant gratification. For things to come RIGHT NOW.

Oh my. That’s totally my temptation: To be early. To try to make things happen sooner rather than later. Like, remember how I want what I want when I want it and I wanted it yesterday? Yeah.

Do you ever find it interesting, though, that Jesus says over and over to people he had healed that they shouldn’t tell anyone because “his time had not yet come”? Jesus knew intrinsically something about timing that I am still trying to figure out, or what I am having to tell myself over and over again.

He, the creator of the universe, was very aware that there is a season for everything (Ecc. 3:1). A time for everything. He makes everything beautiful “IN ITS TIME” (Ecc 3:11).

And Jesus’ time was coming. He knew this. That’s why he could stand against all those schemes and temptations of the devil. Because, IN ITS TIME, all that authority and splendor would be his anyway. He didn’t need to jump the gun, he didn’t need to rush ahead and take a hold of what was rightfully his (for crying out loud!), he didn’t need to get ahead of the Father.

 He….well…he held his horses.

Because in the very depth of his being, he knew that in his economy those who wait on the Lord get renewed strength, and those who seek his kingdom first get everything added to them, and those who are not anxious, fretting about when their ship will arrive, they are the ones who also get everything added to them.

In his world, those who wait, are blessed (Isaiah 30:18).
He was being my example.
He was being my gospel.
He was being my truth.

God’s timing is perfect. It is never late, I am just usually early.

 

So today I learn to hold my horses. Why? Because Jesus did.

 

 

Daylight.

Sometimes I feel like opening up a post with the line, "An oracle is within my heart concerning...." like all of those Psalms and prophecies.
But then I think, "No, probably not wise to use verbage from the Bible. You are no prophet, chicky."
So I don't.
But sometimes I want to.
And today is one of those days.
Again, I am no prophet, and I have no vision from God to reveal to you, but there is something--an oracle, if you will---in my heart concerning something. Or maybe I should just call it a deep stirring. Deep, as in, some days I feel like it is making me short of breath.

We have all been here, I suppose. In those situations where trust is all we can do. We mentally know God is working, he has given us instructions for what to do, he has said he hears and works out all prayers for our good and his glory; we can rest in that (for really, WHAT ELSE WOULD THERE BE TO REST IN ON THIS GREEN PLANET????), yet....there just is no sight of what he is doing yet.
And what we see seems to go against all he has told me to be true. Yet this stirring rises up in us still because either
A. He WILL come through, even though later than we expected and against all the world would tell us to believe and we feel this gospel truth rising in us, or
B. We are about to go careening off a hypothetical cliff and all the stirring is nothing more than gravity.

Sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh.

Because the only thing really in my power to do is trust that it is in fact option A. Surely there has to be more than gravity, right? Surely there has to be more than only that which I can see?

This oracle then, this deep stirring in my soul that sometimes I feel I can't even put words to, it has me thinking. Praying. Thinking and praying. Like I never have before (which, come to think of it is probably a fringe benefit in itself). Because what else in the world am I going to do when I feel that sometimes all I can see is this fog blocking my path?

Do you know what I mean? Like, in those situations where God has shown you, in his mercy, a glimpse of what the end looks like, yet, for all the tea in China you could not figure out if you had to HOW he is going to bring you from where you are to where you will be?
And this can be about any number of things. Maybe for you it isn't even a situation, but more like just being dumbfounded as to how he is going to take your current position in life and "Bring you to completion." (Phil. 1:6) Maybe your demons are so strong that you have no concept of how these chains could ever be broken.
(If for nothing else than consolation, know that you are not alone. I have been there. There IS freedom.)

Or maybe it is, in fact, something other than your current spiritual state. Life brings with it many a confounding situation, we know this.

Many a time in life where it seems all we do is walk in darkness.
As if the way is shrouded in haze. Or where it seems like the only thing we come across on this path of life is twists and turns and switchbacks and roadblocks. Like we are pawing through the inky blackness of night, or are getting terrified by shadows at every turn...because all we can see are the shadows.

I know you know what I am talking about; I live amongst the human race, I know what we deal with.

As this bass drumming continues to pound away in my heart and all these prayers are crossing over my moving yet soundless lips, the other day I think I saw a flash in all these shifting shadows.

Never before had it occurred to me that this is probably how it's all supposed to be. Like, there isn't anything wrong with me because I can't see through the fog, because...well...the fog is supposed to be there.

Has it ever occurred to you that (I think) NOWHERE in the Bible does it describe the walk of the Christian to be a walk in daylight?
Nope.
And if somewhere it does say something along the lines of "And this path is easy and well seen and you know what's coming and need no further light because all is bright and glittery," please, please please please send it to me so I can paint it all over the walls of my house and feel deep utter conviction for the sin that must be blinding me still.
Ha.

But seriously.
I am expecting to get zero emails from you with a reference for that one.

Legit, though! Jesus never tells us that this path we walk is one easily seen or even that it is supposed to be.
Let me say it again: THIS IS NOT DAYLIGHT.

Nope.

Rather, what are we told?
"Small is the gate and narrow the road...." (Matthew 7:14)
"For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness..." (Col. 1:13)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight." (II Cor. 5:7)
"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers, of this present darkness...." (Ephesians 6:12)
"Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in my death." (Psalm 13:3)

See. That is where we find ourselves. In shadows and thick blackness.

But...alas. There is always a "BUT" when it comes to Jesus, praise the Lord:

"The people walking in darkness have seen a great light." (Isaiah 9:2)
"In him was life and that life was the light of men.The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." (John 1:4-5)
"God is light; in him is no darkness at all." (I John 1:5)
"In your light we see light." (Psalm 36:9)
"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." (Psalm 119: 105)
 "Even in darkness light dawns for the upright." (Psalm 112:4)
"The unfolding of your words gives light." (Psalm 119:130)
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." (James 1:17)

HE is the only light. HIS word is the only thing that illumines our path. HE is the anti-shadow. HIS light is the goodness in our lives.

We live in shadows, the haze is our home, and the world tells us different things than he does because all they know is the darkness. But he is the change. Like every single thing in this life, HE is the breakthrough. He is what burns off the fog. And we are called to keep walking on this path that is lit by him only enough for us to see the next step...not all the road ahead. That which we can see is not to be wholly trusted in, because it is probably not much more than a shadow of the truth.

This life is darkness; enshrouded by all things opposed to him. Our way is illumined only by him. Because HE is our daylight.

~~~
And while we are on the subject, jam this song, Wolfies. It's so good.

King of all the earth